Dawson on the Run

apparently i need a third boyfriend.

2 just aren't enough anymore. one's at a bbq and one wants alone time (yeah, not a good sign, i know.) and i am home alone with only my computer to keep me company. not even a blockbuster card to my name. what about friends, you boy-crazy bitch? yeah well, tiffany's busy.

ok, so they aren't my boyfriends. that conversation seems a long way off, so until then, having 2 or 3 or more of them shouldn't be a problem, right? why do i feel like things would change for the worse if they knew about each other? doesn't it seem totally plausible that a guy would get caught "cheating" on a girl he was "seeing" and then be like, 'oh, we never said we couldn't see other people' and then he gets off penalty-free. of course after that time, some sort of decision would need to be made as far as exclusivity one way or the other. so until that time, i should be allowed to just ride it out and see what happens? seems to me like girls aren't really afforded that same privelege. like the door will be slammed (or the phone i guess) in my face after i'm called a "heartless ho" or some variation thereof.

another problem is that i keep missing important parts of our conversations that would give me some clue to the definition or substance of our relationship. like did you say "how long have we been going out?" or "how long has it been going on?" was that "my god i have missed you" or "my god i have to kiss you"? "i want you to meet my family" or "i want you to iron my shirt"? stupid verizon.

and implications! what happened to simple boys spelling things out for me? no, i have to fall for creative, smart, and complex people who enjoy the art of insinuation. like "i don't know about going to the show. i want to be alone." do you want us to be alone and not go to the show? do you want to go to the show by yourself? do you want to sit home in the dark and eat hot pockets? or "on saturday i'm going hiking with adam." then sunday after i'm starting to show signs of withdrawal, "well, i invited you hiking with me and adam!" guess i only understand invitations that have my name written in glitter.

i'm ragging on these boys because i like them more than they like me. i didn't know this was possible, and it's a horrible ego-crusher. even for snotty and already broken me.

hot pockets sound good. and chocolate ice cream. laytah.

i have figured out why my blogs suck lately.

because my emails are awesome. if you are a lucky recipient of those emails, you know this to be true. the blog doesn't inspire me of late. the creative juices have been spent. i need to write to a person (a computer), a face (a computer screen), a heart that appreciates my craft (a finger that can click "open").

i feel like i "write." but if people ask me what i write, i can't say "short stories," or "articles," or "poems." and i don't think email counts as a genre. email is so 1998. blogging at least is more 2003 and gets people book deals. i think i need to find a topic and go with it. i'll devote myself to this new, themed blog, because i want to write for YOU. people. (or at least your computers.) so, suggestions por favor?

i just came back from a wedding. i had 3 glasses of wine. 3-3-3-blogs in 1! that's my explanation.

i was robbed 2 weeks ago. alguien tiro una roca por la ventana de mi coche. pendejos. they stole all of my important shit, so i have no identity- can't travel to croatia, can't get a drink in a bar, can't even pay for gas. they also stole my workout bag (from when i used to do such a thing) and my bookbag with my lab stuff in it. i wonder if the yoga cds will chill this person out, "ohmmmmm", and allow him to focus on his career as a microbiologist with all my books and equipment. then he can move to croatia where he can get all the drinks and gas he wants.

dancing queen was part of the wedding march in today's ceremony. if i ever have a wedding, someone needs to have tissues close by. if i ever have a wedding, i want my friends to be there and be happy for me. and if i ever have a wedding, tim and doug and justin must be invited. hooray for comedians. hooray for little girls in pink dresses with red tights that share jawbreakers. hooray for open bar. duh.

i need to find some time. there are so many things that i need to take care of, but no time. having a job totally gets in the way. please please please hire me to be a writer. i can write non-fiction. i can be concise. i can even capitalize proper nouns and words at the beginning of sentences. call me!

it's hitting me from all sides today, so don't expect continuity.

i was just appreciating the fact that i am taking off from school tomorrow- guilt-free, and that led me to the realization that i am such a different person that i was years ago. you might not see it, but i really like myself. this is a great way to go through life. (i just came from yoga, which as previously hypothesized might be the source of my contentedness. but to add to the idea of how much i like myself, it was my own yoga class. i'm all about me, baby.) it's funny though, cuz i used to have more friends, so i guess other people used to like me better before...

another thing that has changed a bit is my perfectionistic tendencies- at least in some arenas. i was totally lying before when i said i would pray for a C in micro (you knew it was a lie). but i got that snotty little B, and i'm okay with it. as long as it doesn't reflect in my gpa.

i thought of another reason i'm not a hippie. i drink starbucks coffee. a lot.

i never said i wouldn't watch oprah again. i just said i had reached my limit. but months have passed and i've found a little more room for her. i'm so glad i opened back up to her for today's heart-warming episode: cakes. woohoo! me and my best friend gail and cutie pie rachel ray can sit around and tell you how good different cakes are for 30 minutes. but good only takes 2 minutes tops, so we move on to delectable, delicious, divine, excellent, extraordinary, extravagant, exquisite, and then d and e are done, so let's do the rest of the alphabet. and when we finish with red velvet cake, we'll move on to caramel cake and start all over. i can show my human side and say, no, no more for me! and gail can say, come on now, girl. and i can say, no, i don't like sweet. and gail can say, it's just the right amount of sweet. oh we're such "everywomen." and then, because i'm known for my generosity, the audience members are going to get their own doughboy cake and we can gush about it and i can be all friendly with them and hopefully that will take 30 more minutes. WHAT ABOUT US oprah? where's my cake? how many people made it through that whole episode? i'm sort of disgusted with myself that i watched the ridiculous spectacle, but then, it was "research" for my "rant."

yes, it was playboy, not maxim, and that rhode island girl does sound like a river guide. thanks for the correction. i would fail myself for such an inaccurate reference if i were grading my blog. instead, i have a huge pile of notebooks to write failing grades on. big fat red E's. (yeah, they get E's here instead of F's.)

thursday... my belly hurts. and fat free cheese SUCKS. i only buy it like once a year, because that's just enough time to forget how awful it is and give it another try. but don't! don't fall for it- just skip the cheese altogether if you must. or be like me and take nightly trips to the 24 hour greasy spoon to order all varities of grilled cheese. last night was on rye with tomato- a good combo there.

i failed my microbio exam. i thought about studying today at 3, at which point i realized whoever robbed me of my passport, phone, credit card, cash, cds, etc., also stole my lab coat, goggles, lab manual, and textbook. shady bastards. what a pain in my ass. i've never really thought about studying before, but then, i've never been doing so poorly in a class before. gotta bite the bullet and pray for a C.

go jim and pam! ugh, i love the office. it might be my favorite sitcom? but there's no real competition out there that i can think of. and now i get to watch the news go overboard by throwing around the word "tornado" which really is just an exciting way of saying "rain and wind."

my tummy still hurts. damn plastic rubber cheese food. goodnight.

someone described me as a "practical hippie."

he said he could see me as a river guide. WHAT?! i love thinking about this, because i laugh to myself everytime. "backstroke on the left people. push hard through this rapid now." ha. i am wearing bubble gum pink nail polish, have silky smooth legs (at this moment anyway), eat frozen dinners full of sulfides (or whatever), don't know a thing about music or books because i watch tv all the time, follow all rules without questioning authority (except sometimes i go 65 on the parts of the beltway that are 55), and i love being a consumer. definitely not a hippie.

maybe it has something to do with maxim's statement that all rhode island girls are underdressed no matter what the occasion, and that i've never colored my hair. i guess here in bethesda, that might make me a hippie. but these initial impressions are great when you get to hear them. try it! it's guaranteed fun.

there was a fish market in the laundry room yesterday.

i mean, it smelled like there was anyway. i'm not sure why laundry is such a pain in the ass, since the machines are doing all the work, but if you live in an apt. building with a community laundry room in the basement, you understand how much effort clean clothes takes. at least my laundry room, though it smells like capt. jack's tackle box, doesn't have a problem with theft. at least i don't have to spend two hours of my life trapped down there in the sweltering stench, but my clothes do. and i swear, no matter how many sheets of matt yoder's bounce outdoor fresh i use, i still feel like someone might ask me about the catch of the day. the catch of the day? that would be a good guy with his own washer/dryer.

it is a good friend that will point out how ridiculous you are when you blog about things that need not be online lest you look pathetic and desperate and dumb. it is that same good friend that will tell you when there is spinach in your teeth or cum on your face. (gasp. did she say that? what happened to her?) and that is how you know i've been going to a few too many open mics. every time there is cum on someone's face. see what you're missing?

today someone was talking to me about how humbled he was by his crappy performance and how he was going to shoot himself when he got home. this made me feel better about myself. i am completely content and happy in my mediocrity- in fact, i have mastered mediocrity. not just in the comedy thing (mediocre might have been too generous a label there), but in life. it's nice to have something i'm good at. sweet mediocrity.

another thing that has made me feel better lately is listening to talk radio. the other day a spanish version of the star-spangled banner was released and people were calling in to talk about it. everyone was like that is stupid and divisive and please let's not ever sing it (because that is the correct opinion) and then there was this one lady who's like "it doesn't matter if our national anthem is sung in american, or english, or spanish, it's still the national anthem." what a winner. but of course, she's stupid, which explains why she has the wrong opinion there.

but it gets better. here are two loveline conversations:

lady: who? my boyfriend? or my dad?
drew: the latter.
lady: the ladder? what? i don't get it.

guy: my girlfriend has genetic bad breath.
drew: her mother has bad breath too?
guy: what? no. she just has really bad breath.

see, don't you feel better? and i know i'll feel a hell of a lot better if you just forget about that estrogen-induced-now-deleted-but-really-never-existed-piece-of-trash-post that you may or may not have seen on here yesterday. peace.